Alexa has an interesting read over on her blog about her first lesbian experience. Now I know what youre thinking Doesnt every man have a lesbian fantasy stored away some where? Isnt that part of being a guy? Thats not why I found it an interesting read. It actually got me to thinking about some of my own past girlfriends and some of the experiences that Ive had with them as well as the Holy Grail of supposed male fantasies: two women at the same time. For the record, yes I have had two women at once. For the record, yes it was nice at the time. For the record, yes it absolutely destroyed the relationship I had with the girl as well as, and most importantly, our friendship.
It takes a certain kind of person, and a certain type of couple for that matter, to let someone into an intimate relationship without things completely falling apart. I discovered very quickly, very early on that I am not that kind of person. No one needs to sit and lecture me as to why Im not that kind of person it all has to do with my own insecurities of which I am acutely aware as well as the way I view relationships, particularly intimate relationships.
It was the summer before my first year of college and I happened to be having a little tryst with a girl that was sleeping with me just as way of getting a small bit of revenge on her boyfriend. She still wanted to stay with him but knew he had been sleeping around and I was in the right place at the right time. Oddly enough, we quickly became close friends and she decided that she liked being treated with dignity and respect so even after I left for college, we decided that we would still stay together.
She came to visit quite a few times and I went back home quite a few times and in all of that we kept getting closer. I wont say it was love I now know what that is and can say that Ive definitively have only felt love once. But I can say that I really loved being around her and I really loved how she made me feel when I was with her and I think she felt the same.
One evening while I was back home visiting her, she had decided to have a get together of some of her friends to eat some pizza and watch a movie or two. Way too much tequila later the party had thinned to Amber, myself, and Ambers friend Jessie. I was laying down on the floor just about ready to pass out and Amber was stretched out across the couch with her head in Jessies lap. In hindsight, I dont know why I had never seen it before, but I probably should have picked up on those little things that would have told me that they were a little more than good friends. Maybe I was blinded by my own desires that theyd possibly invite me along. We had already been through a fifth of tequila, two movies, and a couple of large pizzas and now we were sitting and watching an old James Bond flick on TBS. A commercial came on and I got up to use the bathroom. Check us out.
When I came back, Amber and Jessie were kissing on the couch with Amber still laying her head in Jessies lap. I sat and watched for a bit and it struck me how sweet and soft they were kissing each other. No hands were roaming (they were holding hands), and there wasnt that carnal rush to feel pleasure that my short career had consisted of up to that point. This was slow and sweet and although I had toyed with foreplay, I really learned what women meant when they said foreplay that night. I also felt something a bit unexpected but at the time it had no voice versus the colossal sexual desire that was already awake and ready to go. That feeling was the seed of jeolousy. I went back and shut the bathroom door a little less quietly so that they would have a chance to stop if they hadnt heard me the first time but when I came back in the living room, they were still kissing. I put my hand on the Jessies shoulder and looked in my girlfriends eyes as she pulled me closer and into their kiss.
The next morning when I woke up Amber and Jessie were sitting at the breakfast table drinking some coffee and chatting. Just looking at them, I just knew at that point that I had no chance. We had had fun had a wonderful relationship. But my heart broke a little that morning because I knew that while she might be giving her mind to me, her heart belonged to the woman that was sitting across the table from her.
It was that more than anything that killed our relationship. Amber always thought that Id either gotten what I wanted from her and was done or figured that I was embarrassed about what had happened. Neither could have been further from the truth. Fact of the matter was that I simply couldnt handle anyone being able to please my girlfriend mentally, romantically and sexually better than I could. If all I had wanted out of the relationship was sex, I would have stayed with her because the sex was quite good. But thats not all that I wanted, and I think I was the only one that realized it. Three was company and I was the third wheel.
I spoke with her a few times after that and she came up to visit at college once but things were never the same. We never really talked about that night and what had happened but we both knew that while thered always been an intruder in our little intimate world, before that night she was the only one that knew about it. Now we both knew and that made all the difference.
Wow long winded I realize but I thought Id share this to all you anonymous folks out there in Internet-land. Thanks Alexa for such a thought-provoking post.